adhd & me
Am I Broken? I grew up noticing that I had certain mental struggles since I was in school and aware enough to compare myself with other kids my age. These struggles were masked by the fact that I came from a whole different country and had to learn an entirely new language. Also, for whatever reason why this made sense, I was a pretty girl so I thought I couldn’t possibly have ADHD. Having this ‘thing’ would mean I’m dumb, stupid, and not cool (and also ugly according to my thought patterns?). I’d hear kids in school talk about people who had ADHD; describing how to detect it in someone through their behavior and how lame the person was if they had it. So as an utterly confident and optimistic kid I knew that couldn’t be me. I just had to keep learning English, that’s all.
20 Years of Schooling Before Getting Tested. In high school I started to wonder if something was wrong with me and I would joke around about having ADHD. In college, the little voice poking me to seek help and understand my struggles became demanding. I was afraid, however, that getting tested would only confirm my stupidity. When push came to shove and life backed me up into a corner, I sought help at my college. My expectation was: schedule the test, get the results, and move on with life. Instead, reality was: a quarter of learning, then a test. How annoying. I didn’t understand it then, but this was so that I would unroot stigmas and misconceptions. So that I would gain a true understanding of what it meant for myself and others like me to have learning differences. Therefore when I later received the results, it was not a confirmation that I was stupid and had no future. I already had many of the tools and practices in place to set off on a journey of understanding how to thrive with this lovely brain of mine that I chose to embrace.
June 2020 & A Forgotten Mission. While the country spoke louder for social change last month, I paused to do much learning and diving deeply into myself to dismantle the residual structures of racism that were still not demolished in my mind. I jumped into as many Instagram Live conversations as I could and I slowly began to relate, in some small shape or from, with the colored women that shared their stories. While I do not equate my ADHD experience with racism, I began to detect parallels that reawakened a mission I placed upon myself a number of years ago. The mission to dismantle the misconceptions around people with Neurodevelopmental disorders. During that time of discovery within myself, I decided I would be bold, tell my story, and show people that ADHD was not what they thought it was. As this conviction in me began to build up into a climax (cue intense inspirational soundtrack), I then dropped into a fear of judgment (insert abrupt vinyl record scratch). I know, disappointing. In second thought, I did not want to become a martyr for this cause - spiritually and emotionally wiped out by the judgement of others. I did not want my employers, coworkers, friends, and peers to think less of me, and worst of all - limit me. #BLM sparked that conviction back into my heart and mind in ways that I can only describe through the stories I have recommitted myself to telling.
I owe a heartfelt thank you to the melanated voices that helped me become a better human in so many layers. Thank you for helping to reignite my torch so that I could pass it on.
Welcome. Welcome to adhd & me. It sometimes wants to take the wheel, but I’ve placed it in the back seat next to fear - they both like to take over but I am blessed to say that I have found ways to get the kids in the backseat to fall asleep for the ride. At times they wake up along the way for a pit stop, but I learned how to soothe them again so I could get back to my best life. So the journey continues.
I was debating between “adhd in me” and “adhd & me.” I chose what I chose because my intention was never to use adhd as a crutch or excuse. Instead of “I have adhd…” I’d rather say, “adhd follows me around,” or even, “we hold hands through life.” But it never gets to decide. At least not for long while I get myself together.
Thoughts or comments? Share them below, let’s connect and lift each other up! :)
